Diasfora

General Category => Make you laugh => Topic started by: smokester on January 10, 2009, 07:25:08 AM

Title: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 10, 2009, 07:25:08 AM
Political Trial

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."


US Navy

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio communication between a U.S. NAVY ship and Canadian authorities off the cost of Newfoundland, October 1995. Radio log released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95:

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on January 10, 2009, 10:58:21 AM
Anybody like jokes you're not supposed to laugh at but can't help yourself?

Spoiler (hover to show)

God, those are rough, and I don't subscribe to the ideology in the slightest, but I still chuckled at them when I originally heard them.  :D

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 10, 2009, 02:02:58 PM
Management Course

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ?I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.? After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ?Who was that??

?It was Bob the next door neighbor,? she replies.

?Great,? the husband says, ?did he say anything about the $800 he owes me??

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ?Father, remember Psalm 129??

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ?Father, remember Psalm 129??

The priest apologized, ?Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.?

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ?Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.?

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson #3:

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ?I'll give each of you just one wish.?

?Me first! Me first!? says the administration clerk. ?I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. ?Puff!? She's gone.

?Me next! Me next!? says the sales representative. ?I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. ?Puff!? He's gone.

?OK, you're up,? the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ?I want those two back in the office after lunch.?

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #4:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ?I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree? sighed the turkey, ?but I haven't got the energy.?

?Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?? replied the bull. ?They're packed with nutrients.?

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull poo might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson #5:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of poo is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep poo, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 11, 2009, 04:56:32 PM
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat madam in the kitchen."
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on January 14, 2009, 11:38:56 PM
Energizer bunny arrested... Charged with battery...


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The madam!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his richard off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."


A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 15, 2009, 02:24:48 AM
All 3 of those jokes (especially the middle one) were brilliant!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on January 15, 2009, 02:43:42 AM
 ;)


Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."


Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two men are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."


Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."


Spoiler (hover to show)

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on January 15, 2009, 04:19:32 PM
This one's really dirty, you should skip it:

Spoiler (hover to show)

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on January 15, 2009, 05:45:59 PM
^ the fine art of incest jokes... wonderful...


(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/Religious/mac-pc-sci.jpg?t=1232066764)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on January 17, 2009, 11:34:39 AM
Joke-bump:
(Found them on this site that has all these girls doing girl stuff with girls... MANY girls... )  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Spoiler (hover to show)


Top 10 Things Heterosexuals Need to Know About Gay People

10. We didn't invent disco music so stop blaming us.
9. We're not sure about Ricky Martin either.
8. We also didn't invent the color black, but we are in complete agreement that you look better in it.
7. We are secretly glad Anne Heche is back on your team. She scares us.
6. Our so-called "gaydar" does not get us more cable stations or better reception.
5. We think your mini-vans are sooo cute!
4. David Crosby was not Melissa Etheridge's only choice.
3. If he's using two or more hair products at any one time - yes, he is.
2. If she's won Wimbledon 16 times, she is too.
And, the number one thing that heterosexuals need to know about gay people is...
1. Relax, we don't want you!


A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. He says, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

Later he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Yes," she responds, "but it won't do you any good."

After a few drinks, he decides to ask her to his apartment. Again, she replies, "Yes, but it won't do you any good."

In his apartment he turns to her and says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She replies, "Ohhhhh, THAT'S a different story!! Bring her on out!!!"


Q: What do you call a closet full of lesbians..?





A: Liquor cabinet...

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: yolanda71 on January 18, 2009, 09:32:03 AM
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
With a breadknife through his breast pocket.
Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
A: Castrated.
Q: Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are all perfect assholes.
Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Q: What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?
A: Proofread.
Q: What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
A: The La-Z-Boy recliner.
Q: How can you tell if a man's playing around?
A: He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom it may concern..."
Q: How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on January 18, 2009, 09:47:59 AM
If Women Ruled the World

(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/Mouse.jpg?t=1232297108)

(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/If_Women_Ruled_the_World_09.gif?t=1232297108)

(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/If_Women_Ruled_the_World_01.jpg?t=1232297109)

(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/If_Women_Ruled_the_World_02.jpg?t=1232297111)

(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/If_Women_Ruled_the_World_05.jpg?t=1232297112)

(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/If_Women_Ruled_the_World_06.jpg?t=1232297114)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on January 18, 2009, 11:23:53 AM
Quote from: yolanda71 on January 18, 2009, 09:32:03 AM
Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
A: Castrated.

Oddly, they do look a little bit like a brain...  :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: yolanda71 on January 18, 2009, 12:48:56 PM
I wouldn't know. I've never seen testicles out of the sac. Seen a human brain though, not a pretty sight.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 18, 2009, 04:11:02 PM


"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Billy Riley."

"Billy Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord," said the barkeep "did you not have anything in YOUR hand Kelly?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!" 
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on January 18, 2009, 05:41:59 PM
Quote from: yolanda71 on January 18, 2009, 12:48:56 PM
I wouldn't know. I've never seen testicles out of the sac.

For the record, neither have I.  :o

I was referring to the sac itself, actually...  :D

Quote from: yolanda71 on January 18, 2009, 12:48:56 PM
Seen a human brain though, not a pretty sight.

I guess that would depend on your point of view and how intact the brain was (i.e., not splattered on something, for instance).

@Smokes: That's an odd one...  :)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 18, 2009, 05:45:00 PM
Quote from: JackFrost on January 18, 2009, 05:41:59 PM
@Smokes: That's an odd one...  :)

I actually thought it was a bit "run of the mill" :-\
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Santafer on January 18, 2009, 11:15:03 PM
Guy comes out of the hospital checking his bill when suddenly he is mugged

-The money or your life!

-Hey are you a doctor too?


badda bum psh
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on January 18, 2009, 11:25:08 PM
Quote from: smokester on January 18, 2009, 05:45:00 PM
I actually thought it was a bit "run of the mill" :-\

I meant mostly in the way it was told...
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on January 18, 2009, 11:47:23 PM
Three drunks are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!" The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!

The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, you can be a real Jerk When you're drunk, Superman!"


Q: What does Batgirl wear to bed?

A: Her Dark Knight gown!


Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:

" Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 19, 2009, 02:36:12 AM
Quote from: JackFrost on January 18, 2009, 11:25:08 PM
I meant mostly in the way it was told...

Bejesus Jack, it's Irish..

That last joke AJ is a great start to a Monday ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on January 19, 2009, 03:51:46 AM
 ;D

(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/ohshit.jpg?t=1232362288)

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateralagainst a $5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"


A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 19, 2009, 04:08:30 AM
A distressed-looking man sitting at the bar had downed several drinks in rapid succession
before the bartender asked him, "you trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"

"you could say that," the guy replied.

"it usually doesn't work, you know." said the bartender

"no poo," the man moaned. "I can't get my wife anywhere near the water!"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: AKKDHOLI on January 19, 2009, 09:17:02 AM
LOL
great jokes
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on January 25, 2009, 01:07:59 PM
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear
to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares'game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
 
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
 
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
 
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
 
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
 
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
 
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually
seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MaxDreamer on January 25, 2009, 03:25:31 PM
Those were funny, cheapy. I miss that old queen Paul Lynde.  ;) He was hilarious. :D

Quote from: MisterAJ on January 18, 2009, 09:47:59 AM

If Women Ruled the World
(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/If_Women_Ruled_the_World_02.jpg?t=1232297111)
(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/4144/lmfaoxw2.gif)(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/4144/lmfaoxw2.gif)(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/4144/lmfaoxw2.gif)
I'm so glad I've evolved and actually know how to use a hammer, flathead, Phillipshead screwdrivers... Hell, I even know how to use a electric drill and a sawzall. (http://img187.imageshack.us/img187/9766/nodsfo9.gif)


Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on January 25, 2009, 03:40:49 PM
Both my Grandad's raised me to know how to use tools and such. Ive always enjoyed it. Now powertools...........whole nother story..........lol

When I was like 26-27 I was renting a house that we had to maintain the lawn as well and I bought my first electric hedgetrimmer. "Hay!! Im almost 30 and I have a powertool in my hands, COME AND GET SOME NEIGHBORS" Man, that was a funny day. Not as funny as the 1st degree poison ivy I got from trimming the hedges in my bathing suit though..........Lesson Learned: Dont let power rule out common sense. 
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on January 25, 2009, 03:54:25 PM
The question is why was my bathing suit in the hedges? I was cutting so deep into those shrubs that small woodland creatures were trying to escape!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on January 25, 2009, 04:02:54 PM
Quote from: christ on January 25, 2009, 03:52:03 PM
What were the hedges doing in your bathing suit?

foraging.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MaxDreamer on January 25, 2009, 04:06:50 PM
Cheapy! Yard work in a bathing suit? That is never a good combo.  :D I can just imagine the woodland creatures running for their lives.  :D

I know how to use a lawnmower and a weed whacker, but I'm only allowed to use them in the backyard as I'm not good enough to use them in the front of the house.  ::) :-\ :D

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on January 25, 2009, 04:11:03 PM
Yeah Smokes.........that's what was happening..........
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/3/3_8_1.gif)

Quote from: MaxDreamer on January 25, 2009, 04:06:50 PM
Cheapy! Yard work in a bathing suit? That is never a good combo.

Youre alittle late with that valuable information Max.......... >:( If only I'd known you then.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MaxDreamer on January 25, 2009, 06:39:18 PM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on January 25, 2009, 04:11:03 PM
Youre alittle late with that valuable information Max.......... >:( If only I'd known you then.
It's never too late for valuable information.  :D  ;) Remember this - there is nothing wrong with multitasking, especially in the bathroom, but hair dryers and bubble baths are not a good idea.  :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on January 25, 2009, 06:45:14 PM
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_17_11.gif)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MaxDreamer on January 25, 2009, 07:04:52 PM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on January 25, 2009, 06:45:14 PM
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_17_11.gif)
Cheeky cheapy.  :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: subvinorosa on January 26, 2009, 04:00:01 PM
Quote from: MaxDreamer on January 25, 2009, 06:39:18 PM
...in the bathroom, hair dryers, bubble baths and THAT girl is a good idea.  :D

Fixed. ;)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 05, 2009, 11:11:03 AM
Hey,,I know a bad dirty joke,,,,,,
  Mariage
( rimshot)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 05, 2009, 02:26:18 PM
Two men walk into a bar, and one of them splits his head open on it.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 05, 2009, 03:22:17 PM
How do you know when a blond farts?
Her ankles swell
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 05, 2009, 03:49:05 PM
Quote from: Robin-Graves on February 05, 2009, 03:22:17 PM
How do you know when a blond farts?
Her ankles swell

Were you thinking about a change of career Robin? If it's stand-up we might need just a little more work before we go live :)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 05, 2009, 04:04:17 PM
Quote from: Jhb48430 on February 05, 2009, 03:26:35 PM
Say what?

For the joke to work, you must understand that the stereotypical blonde wears pantyhose.

Get it now?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 05, 2009, 05:05:43 PM
Quote from: Jhb48430 on February 05, 2009, 04:10:00 PM
I plead the fifth?

In a rare case of altruism, I'll be your lawyer... ;)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 06, 2009, 12:04:26 AM
Quote from: Jhb48430 on February 05, 2009, 05:06:58 PM
Thanks, I appreciate it.  :) 

*rubs hands together*  So what do you think we'll win? 

After close review of our case, I would like to plead insanity when I agreed to take this case...

(Your on your own, kitten...)

 :D ;D :P ;)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 06, 2009, 01:01:47 AM
A baby seal walks into a club.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 06, 2009, 01:53:07 AM
Because they can pop the seal?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 06, 2009, 04:46:09 AM
Spoiler (hover to show)

*I personally really do not like that one AJ
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 06, 2009, 08:58:42 AM
Hmmm, I must be a walrus then.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 06, 2009, 10:35:52 AM
Quote from: dweez on February 06, 2009, 08:58:42 AM
Hmmm, I must be a walrus then.

No, that was Paul.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 06, 2009, 11:09:37 AM
Koo Koo Ka Choo!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 06, 2009, 11:35:36 AM
What do the angels do when someone doesn't get a Beatles reference?

frank, any thoughts?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 06, 2009, 11:46:14 AM
jhb makes the dweez cry  :'( :'(
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 06, 2009, 05:05:07 PM
(http://www.clipartof.com/images/free_hosting/large/0180-0902-0618-5407_28rnkh3.gif)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 06, 2009, 05:14:38 PM
Nice one AJ...
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 06, 2009, 08:19:18 PM
English speaking people are really odd when it comes to that:

It doesn't really actually contain any blowing, now does it..?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 06, 2009, 09:11:00 PM
Naah... Suck job, as in "suck my richard"... not that bad...
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 06, 2009, 09:44:34 PM
^  Nice and romantic... :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 07, 2009, 08:58:26 AM
DEAL!

EDIT:

Found this...
Only great minds can read this :

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno?t
mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs forwrad it

..And ttahs waht I did.. ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Methiah on February 07, 2009, 01:02:13 PM
Cunnilingus and fellatio are somewhat distasteful in my view. In at least one sense.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 07, 2009, 01:47:32 PM
Don't knock it until you've tried it... ;)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Methiah on February 07, 2009, 01:55:29 PM
Anything that close to an bottom I would be hesitant to put in my mouth. Once was enough.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on February 07, 2009, 02:49:43 PM
Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered "Polynomial.  Polygon."  (saying it aloud may help).
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 08, 2009, 12:41:46 AM
Time for a memory test:

Q: What do you call a closet full of lesbians..?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 08, 2009, 05:53:18 PM
Quote from: MisterAJ on February 08, 2009, 12:41:46 AM
Time for a memory test:

Q: What do you call a closet full of lesbians..?

Expensive, and only bookable in advance?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 08, 2009, 05:55:10 PM
I think he was going for "A Licker cabinet"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 08, 2009, 05:59:16 PM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 08, 2009, 05:55:10 PM
I think he was going for "A Licker cabinet"

*cough.. oh yeah and that too,.. I was miles away :)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: subvinorosa on February 08, 2009, 09:51:15 PM
Or A closet full of sensible shoes.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 08, 2009, 11:45:41 PM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 08, 2009, 05:55:10 PM
I think he was going for "A Licker cabinet"

the play-on-words would be liquor cabinet... ;)


"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"


A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 09, 2009, 12:01:17 PM
How do you top a car?

Spoiler (hover to show)

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler (hover to show)

What do you call a yo-you that only goes down?

Spoiler (hover to show)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 10, 2009, 11:04:59 PM
I know a dirty joke


Mariage
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 11, 2009, 10:22:25 AM
Quote from: Jhb48430 on February 10, 2009, 11:06:54 PM
You've already told that one

So why don't you come up with something better..?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: knownassociate on February 11, 2009, 10:27:07 AM
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

...A licalottapuss
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 14, 2009, 01:50:54 PM
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 14, 2009, 02:11:11 PM
There is this lady and she is struggling having a baby so the doctor brings out these pills and he
tells her each of these pills takes away a quarter of the pain, but sends it to the father of the baby.

So she takes one and her husband says "Women are wimps, I feel no pain"

Then she takes another and her husband says "Man this doesn't hurt."

So she takes, two more and has no problem having the baby and neither her nor her husband are in pain.

Two days later they come home with the baby and the milk man is dead on their doorstep...


 ;D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 14, 2009, 02:23:35 PM
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 14, 2009, 02:56:30 PM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 14, 2009, 02:23:35 PM
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

As my missus works for a Doctor's surgery, I can see this one doing the rounds. ;D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 14, 2009, 03:25:41 PM
Medical One liner jokes

Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3 friends, if they?re okay, you?re it.


Pharmacist handing prescription to customer: "Take one of these every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off."


Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we?re very busy. Don?t keep saying ?It?s a madhouse.?"


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don?t want, drink what you don?t like and do what you?d rather not.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 14, 2009, 09:49:09 PM
A pirate walk into a bar and is walking funny because he's got the ship's wheel sticking out of his pants.

"Wow, that's gotta be really uncomfortable," the bartender tells him.

"Arrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 14, 2009, 10:49:31 PM
Please tell me that you v 2 ^ did not just publish those.........those............jokes.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 15, 2009, 05:33:08 AM
A nurse walked in to check on me the last time I was in the hospital.


She said: "Why the hell do you have a peanut on your pecker!!?"


I said: "I'M bless'ed NUTS!!!"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 15, 2009, 10:22:37 AM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 14, 2009, 10:49:31 PM
Please tell me that you v 2 ^ did not just publish those.........those............jokes.

You gotta admit you chuckled a bit... ;)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 15, 2009, 10:26:28 AM
Quote from: Jhb48430 on February 15, 2009, 10:24:22 AM
Do you go where your nuts take you?

If something is pulling me by them, then yes.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 15, 2009, 10:51:42 AM
Quote from: Jhb48430 on February 15, 2009, 10:30:30 AM
Do you get pulled by your nuts often?

Not as much as I'd like, no...  :-\
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 15, 2009, 11:01:17 AM
Quote from: Jhb48430 on February 15, 2009, 10:53:41 AM
:-\  Too bad!

Meh. This too shall pass.  :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 15, 2009, 11:15:49 AM
Quote from: Jhb48430 on February 15, 2009, 11:02:34 AM
LOL 

I keep smelling my wrist, my new perfume smells yummy

Oooo-kay.

What's the punchline?  ;)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 15, 2009, 12:49:11 PM
Here JH let me help you get back on track here...........

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on February 15, 2009, 08:38:18 PM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 15, 2009, 12:49:11 PM
Here JH let me help you get back on track here...........

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."


 :D :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 15, 2009, 10:08:44 PM
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." 
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 16, 2009, 02:35:58 PM
 :D :D :D


In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.

A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 17, 2009, 12:03:51 AM
For AJ:
What?s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign... a stoner waits for it to turn green.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 17, 2009, 09:08:34 AM
A baby seal walks into a club
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 17, 2009, 10:41:39 AM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 17, 2009, 12:03:51 AM
For AJ:
What?s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign... a stoner waits for it to turn green.

ROFL... good one, C... :D

Quote from: dweez on February 17, 2009, 09:08:34 AM
A baby seal walks into a club

<snip> Please don't do that again AJ.  I am easily scarred by images of animal cruelty.  Nuff said. Smokester


Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever
smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's
your excuse then?"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on February 17, 2009, 10:46:10 AM
Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 19, 2009, 06:05:25 AM
Quote from: chekovsulu on February 17, 2009, 10:46:10 AM
Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!

Are we talking Boltzmann?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on February 21, 2009, 10:54:58 AM
Eh?  No.  My maths only went up to A-level, and I can only remember what I learnt at GCSE.  Unless it's fizicks, which is what Wikipedia suggests - for me that went up to GCSE and then they had too many people doing it for A-level and stuck me in Biology.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 22, 2009, 08:27:53 AM
Quote from: chekovsulu on February 21, 2009, 10:54:58 AM
Eh?  No.  My maths only went up to A-level, and I can only remember what I learnt at GCSE.  Unless it's fizicks, which is what Wikipedia suggests - for me that went up to GCSE and then they had too many people doing it for A-level and stuck me in Biology.

Man, thats a good joke... it had me rolling in stitches...


 ;)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 23, 2009, 05:55:43 AM
rofl... :D

You've got Blonde

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, ?Is something wrong??

To which she replied, ?There certainly is!?

My stupid computer keeps saying, ?You?ve got mail!?

First Class Blonde

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 23, 2009, 08:23:57 AM
I concur... ::)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 23, 2009, 12:24:02 PM
A blonde jhb...could be interesting.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 26, 2009, 06:09:36 AM
Got a Joke I heard along time at a bar with Raven

This kid is walking down the street middleof the night when the police show up and stop him,,
The cop says " hey sonny,,why you walking down the street?"
The kid says " I looking for a hooker"
Cop says " why you want a hooker for?"
Kid says" I want to catch a sexualy transmitted desease"
" Waht the hell you want one of those for?" asks the cop
" well " says the kid" I want to catch one to go home and screw the babysiter,,that way she can screw my dad,,my dad can screw my mom,and my momcan screw the gardener who I want to have one cause the politician squashed my frog!"



Thank you,,thank you very much,,Elvis has left the building!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 26, 2009, 09:05:16 AM
Quote from: Robin-Graves on February 26, 2009, 06:09:36 AM

Thank you,,thank you very much,,Elvis has left the building!


Quick: lock the door...
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on February 26, 2009, 12:06:12 PM
bad D&D jokes

Did you hear about the evil wizard who liked to give people hickies?
He was a neck romancer.

Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
A: Ask three of them to play the same note.

Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.

How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material.

A group of players are sitting around a table waiting for their DM to get his notes together and start the game.
Travis, who plays a rogue, couldn?t attend the last session because of a family event. The DM?s policy is to let another player run the absentee?s character. Travis, doesn?t know who nor does he care. His gaming buds are a fairly trustworthy lot.
Travis: ?So what happened last time? Did my rogue get enough experience to finally gain a level?
Steve: ?No, actually your character died.?
Travis: ?WHAT??
Nods of affirmation come from the other players.
Steve: ?Yeah. Sorry, but your character had an alignment change. He suddenly went from being just plain neutral to chaotic evil. He tried to kill and steal from the group. My paladin had to kill him.
Travis: ?No way.?
Steve: ?Yeah, the only good thing that came out of it was that my paladin got enough experience to gain a level.?
Travis: ?Wait, who ran my character??
Steve: ?I did.?

Did you here about the priests of the Dairy God?
Apparently, they have the power to churn undead.

A guy wearing black robes and reeking of the grave walks into the tavern. Strangely the man is being strangled by a severed hand.
The bartender mumbles ?We don?t serve no death mages here??
The guy in the robes gasps and mangages to whisper, ?One drink??
The bartender looks at the poor guy shakes his head and says ?Ok, one. What will you have?
The customer says ?Make it a stiff one? As he says stiff the hand seems to squeeze harder.
The bartender puts out a Mug of Ale. ?It?s pretty strong, made it myself?. The guy in robes gasps ?Stiffer!?.
The barkeep puts out a Elven Wine. ?Stiffer!? The guy in robes is starting to pass out.
The barkeep quickly runs to the cellar and gets a flask of dwarven whiskey. When he runs up the guy in the robes is on one knee.
The barkeep wants to honor this guys last request so he pours him a shot and hands it to the guy in robes. The necromancer pours it on the hand and it falls to the ground.
The mage regains his composure, throws some gold on the bar and leaves with the hand following behind him.
The bartender yells after him ?That was amazing, what was that all about?
To which the necromancer says, ?It takes a potent spirit to control the dead.?

How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it so that when the first elf is done, four hundred years later, they?ll remember whose sword it was.

An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: ?We don?t serve Animated ropes in here - now get out!?
Dejected the rope leaves.
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.
The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!
To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I?m a frayed knot?

A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: ?Do you serve skeletons here??
Times being what they are the wily Bartender replies: ?sure, we serve anyone.?
The skeleton hands the man a silver and says: ?Fine, I?ll have a pitcher of beer?and a mop?

A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree.
When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, ?We know you?re up there, come down!?
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, ?Tweet, tweet, tweet!?
The Guardsmen, thinking that it?s a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, ?We know you?re up there, come down!?
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, ?Whoo, whoo, whoo!?
The Guardsmen, thinking that it?s an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, ?We know you?re up there, come down!?
The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, ?Moo, moo, moo??

What is the most disliked giant?
Easy, a gas giant!
(Bad astronomy pun, and a horrible idea for a monster.)

I am not saying that the knight is a bit dense, but everyone calls him a Paladim.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 26, 2009, 02:40:13 PM
Good thing I play Rifts
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on March 01, 2009, 06:57:06 PM
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!  
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning  Uphill... barefoot...   BOTH ways 

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay   a bunch of crap like that o n kids about how hard I had it   and how easy they've got it!   But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!   And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!   There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass!  Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!   Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause that's how we rolled dig? 

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!  When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! 

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little %$#?s

And we didn't have microwaves, if w e wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!   That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.  You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on March 01, 2009, 08:24:58 PM
I'm 29, and I survived 10 years of the dreaded 80's... ;D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on March 15, 2009, 12:18:09 PM
You might be a redneck... By Jeff Foxworthy...

  You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."


You think Sherlock Holmes is a
housing project down in Biloxi.


You think a stock tip is
advice on worming' your hogs.


You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.


You think TACO BELL is
the Mexican Phone Company


Your state's got a new law that says
when a couple get divorced,
they are still legally brother and sister.


Your house still has the
"WIDE LOAD"
sign on the back.


You got stopped by a state trooper.
He asked you if you had an I.D.
And you said, 'Bout What?'


Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks


You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.


Your sister is the third generation
of women in your family to conceive
a baby as a result of an alien abduction.


If you can burp
and say your name at the same time,
you're shur'nuff a redneck.


You think Possum is
"The Other White Meat"


You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.


You hooked up with your present girlfriend
as a result of a message on the wall of
the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.


The centerpiece on your dining room table
is an original signed work
by a famous taxidermist.



You think a quarter horse is
a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.


You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.


Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.


You think safe sex is a padded headboard.


You think subdivision is part of a math problem.


You think there's nothin wrong with incest
as long as you keep it in the family.


You may be a Redneck if ...
You and your dog use the same tree.


You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.


Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner.


You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.


You've got more than
one brother named 'Darryl'.



You think the OJ Trial was a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.



THE TOP COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS THIS WEEK

7.  I Never Went To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

6.  If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

5.  Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win.

4.  I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

3.  She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2.  She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day


You were acquitted for murdering
your first wife after she threw
out your Elvis 8-tracks.


You think watching professional
wrestling is foreplay.


The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors


Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed.


Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow.
But she can't touch it until she's fourteen.


Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."


You've ever had to scratch your sisters
name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."


You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took


Your whole family is Democrats
'cept little Mary.
She lernt how to read.


You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.


You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.


You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."


You take a six-pack cooler to church.


Your family tree has no forks.


You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.


You had to remove a toothpick
for your wedding pictures.


You use a weedeater in your living room.


You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.


You have a rag for a gas cap.


The blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it.


The third grade teacher says little Bubba
could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.


Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.


You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge.


A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.


One of your kids was born on a pool table.


You have spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass.


Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle.


Your dad walks you to school because
you are both in the same grade.


Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.


Down where you come from reruns of
Hee Haw are called documentaries.


Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.


You need one more hole punched in your card
to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.


You have flowers planted in a
bathroom fixture in your front yard.


On your first date you had to ask your
Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.


You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance
were just "misunderstood".


If you refer to the fifth grade
as, "your senior year".


Three quarters of the clothes you
own have LOGOS on them.


The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.


Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.


Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.


You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.


You just bought an 8-track
player to put in your truck.


You've ever climbed a water tower
with a bucket of paint
to defend your sister's honor.


It's easier to spray weed killer
on your lawn than mow it.


You think the three primary colors are
John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.


Your pickup has a two-tone paint job
-- primer red and primer gray.


Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
'cause there is a law against it.


You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.


The beer can collection in the
town museum is the big tourist attraction.


You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.


Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.


You can tell your age by the
number of rings in the bathtub.


You may be a redneck if you ever
used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.


You can change the oil in your truck
without ducking your head.


During your senior year you and
your mother had homeroom together.


You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.


You think the stock market
has fence around it.


Your stereo speakers used to belong
to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.


You own a homemade fur coat.


Your entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one.


Your wife has ever said,
"Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."


You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.


YOU REFER TO THE TIME YOU WON
A FREE CASE OF MOTOR OIL AS
"THE DAY MY SHIP CAME IN."



The FBI surrounded your trailer park
twice so far this year.


You use a NASCAR credit card.



Your brother-in-law is your uncle
AND your grandfather.


you might be a redneck if....
Your parents met at a family reunion.


You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.


You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".


YOUR IDEA OF HIGH-QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT
IS A SIX-PACK AND A BUG-ZAPPER.


You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean.


Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".


You couldn't learn to swim
because
your gene pool is too small.


Your wife's job requires her
to wear an orange vest.


You have the local taxidermist's
number on speed dial.


On Thanksgiving Day you have
to decide which pet to eat.


Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".


You think "taking out the trash"
means taking your in-laws to a movie.


Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.


You got Clapper devices controlling
the appliances in your house.


You think a hot tub is
a stolen bathroom fixture.



The gas pedal on your car
is shaped like a bare foot.


They just raised the drinking age in your state to 32 on
account of they wanted to keep alcohol out of the schools


You hammer bottle caps into the
frame of your front door to make it look nice.


The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.


The taillight covers of your car
are made of red tape.


You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.


You've ever been involved in a
custody fight over a hunting dog.


The KKK kicked you out for being a bigot.


You think a turtleneck is
a key ingredient for soup.


You think the French
Riviera is a foreign car.


Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


You no longer drink wine ever since
the screw cap got caught up your nose.


You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.


That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans.


Your wife's hairdo was once ruined
by a ceiling fan.


You go to your family reunion
looking for a date.


You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.


Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.


Your high school basketball game got rained out.


You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'.


You have a close relative named "Cletus".


You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.


You wish your outhouse was as nice
as those at the state park.


Last year you hid yer kids'
Easter eggs under cow pies.


Your family always goes to the movies in groups of 18 or
more 'cause they were told 17 and under are not admitted.


Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People"


Your dog can't watch you eat
without getting sick.


You think the winter olympic sport of curling
is part of the "Big Hair" competition.


When you was little, your front yard got toilet papered
and your momma thought it was a gift from God.


You've painted a car with house paint.


You're banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.


You ever named a child after a dog.


You have more belt-buckles than pants.


You removed the back seat from your
car so all yer kids could fit in.


You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.


Your child's first words were
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"


YOU'VE EVER COME HOME
AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE
ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.


You think a woman who is
"out of your league"
bowls on a different night.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on March 17, 2009, 01:54:00 PM
GOTTA  PEE
 
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives; however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee; so they stopped in the cemetery.
Neither had anything to wipe with so one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they continued on home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed, hung over; so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!'
'That's nothing,' said the other husband.
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: teech on March 31, 2009, 10:53:51 AM
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'  
...

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
...

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'  


Do you remember Tommy Cooper. This was his sort of humour. I don't think that today he would be so popular. But i used to like him. I am sorry i posted this first in the new part but was shown that i could have posted here at the end of this thread. Blondes aye. Who would let 'em loose?


Teech
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on March 31, 2009, 10:56:28 AM
Thanks for doing that teech, and I removed the other "jokes" thread.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on March 31, 2009, 11:07:32 AM
These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar. The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders. The bartender shouts, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
The string says "Yeah."
The bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on March 31, 2009, 12:09:17 PM
^^^These are punishable by flogging  ;D ^^^
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on April 01, 2009, 08:31:01 PM
*makes note to find soonest date for the flogging*
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on April 11, 2009, 11:24:06 AM
METAL FAIRY TALES!

Scenario:

A princess is held captive in a castle by a Dragon.

POWER METAL:

The Hero comes riding in on a unicorn, sneaking past the dragon, rescues the princess and makes love with her in the Magical Forest...

TRASH METAL:

The Hero comes, fights the dragon, naffs the princess.

HEAVY METAL:

The Hero comes riding in on a Harley, Kills the dragon, drink a couple of beers and naffs the princess.

FOLK METAL:

The Hero comes with a lot of friends, playing flutes and a whole bunch of wacky instruments. The dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing), everyone goes home without the princess.

COUNTRY METAL:

The hero comes in his truck, spits, and looks the dragon in the eye and tells him "you best leave mah sister lone, else you'll be one sorry sum'madam". The bucktooth Dragon ignores him and keeps playing his banjo. The Hero and the princess rides of to live in a trailer park.

VIKING METAL:

The Hero comes in a viking ship, and slays the dragon with an Axe, skins it and eats it. He then rapes the princess, pillage and burns the castle before sailing home.

DEATH METAL:

The Hero comes, kills the dragon, kills the princess, goes home.

BLACK METAL:

The Hero comes at midnight, kills the dragon and crucify it in front of the castle. He then rapes and kills the princess, drink her blood, before crucifying her next to the dragon and walking away.

GORE METAL:

The Hero comes, kills the dragon and tosses the intestines around. He then naffs the princess and kills her. He then naffs her again, light her corps on fire and naffs her a third time.

DOOM METAL:

The Hero comes, sees the dragon and says "golly... I can't beat that", becomes depressed and commit suicide. The dragon eats the Hero and the princess.

GRUNGE METAL:

The hero comes, makes the dragon depressed, and OD's in the princesses chamber three days later.

LOVE METAL:

The Hero comes riding in on a white horse, singing "Myyyyyyyyy Truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove". the dragon flees. The Hero rescues the princess and lights a cigarette, but dies on the way home from a broken heart.

PROGRESSIVE METAL:

The Hero comes and play a 26 minutes long guitar solo. the dragon kills himself out of boredom. The Hero enters the princesses chamber and plays another 26 minutes guitar solo. The princess runs away in search of the Heavy Metal Hero.

GLAM METAL:

The Hero comes. The dragon drops over from laughter upon seeing his outfit and make-up, and simply lets him walk on by. the Hero enters the princesses chamber, steals her make-up, before painting the castle pink with nail polish.

NU METAL:

The Hero comes in a car. He fights the dragon, but dies when he gets tangled up in those ridiculously wide clothes he's wearing. The princess takes part in a reality show.





...AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER...

 :D :D :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: subvinorosa on April 11, 2009, 09:02:05 PM
 :D

True!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on April 12, 2009, 09:30:22 AM
Truer:

CHRISTIAN METAL:

The Hero comes and knocks on the castle door. the dragon refuses to open up. the Hero leaves a note for the princess regarding the virtue of abstinence.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: CMF on April 12, 2009, 05:17:07 PM
 :D :D :D :D

Where did you get these from  ???

We gotta male a video with this!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on April 12, 2009, 09:09:06 PM
I translated it from a Norwegian list I had...

I added the GRUNGE, COUNTRY and CHRISTIAN, though...

Quote from: CMF on April 12, 2009, 05:17:07 PM
We gotta male a video with this!

was that make, mayhaps..? ;) :P ;D

Sure... would be a great skit...  :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: CMF on April 12, 2009, 09:20:44 PM
I see it more as a cartoon, unless some of you want to dress like a knight or a princess, be my guest  :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on April 12, 2009, 09:55:57 PM
LOL

Is somewhat pythonesque... :D :D :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: subvinorosa on April 13, 2009, 07:25:05 AM
I'm not sure if I'd like to be the princess in here.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: HDAngel on April 21, 2009, 02:38:11 AM
Two little old ladies are sitting at the bus stop, waiting to go down town. As it starts to rain, the one old lady reaches in her purse and pulls out a condom. She then cuts the tip off and places it over her cigarette. The other old lady sees this and comments ?That?s great. What is it?? The first old lady tells her it is a condom. The second old lady asks where she can get these condoms. ?You can get them at any pharmacy? replies the first old lady. Once they are down town the old lady heads straight for the pharmacy.  The pharmacist notices the old lady, standing in front of the condoms looking a little puzzled. He asks her if he could be of any assistance. She tells him she needs some condoms. He then asks her what size condoms she needs. Thinking for a moment she replies ?one that will fit a Camel.?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: HDAngel on April 21, 2009, 02:40:04 AM
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

 Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
 A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
 
 Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
 A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

 Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
 A: Always wear a condom.
 
 Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
 A: Your car.
 
 Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
 A: Be too poo-faced to find your keys.
 
 Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
 A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
 
 Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
 A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
 
 Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
 A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
 
 Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
 A: The color.
 
 Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
 A: Heavy psychedelics.
 
 Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
 A: Carry loaded weapons.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: CMF on April 23, 2009, 07:58:17 PM
I heard this one on How I Met Your Mother and is very funny (more guy-ish funny), but it is disgusting as well, so beware!

Guy to a girl: What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Girl: What?
Guy:
Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on April 24, 2009, 06:57:51 AM
LOL
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on April 27, 2009, 09:24:07 AM
Priest Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the poo out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: vilya on May 04, 2009, 03:47:35 PM
A few old ones:

Son comes to his father and asks him:
 -Dad, is it true that internet makes people stupid?
Father:
 -WTF? ROTFLMAO!


-What's the difference between yogurt and a sperm?
-Dunno, haven't tried the yogurt.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on May 04, 2009, 06:37:07 PM
LOL...

I'll pay any of you 100$ to say the last one to your grannies... :D


Crazy talk

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on May 06, 2009, 02:28:50 PM
What is 69 squared?

Spoiler (hover to show)

Well......I thought it was funny. A customer at the restaurant told me that last night.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on May 06, 2009, 03:13:38 PM
 ;D

I liked it...

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on August 14, 2009, 08:56:18 PM
Two men were sitting at a bar and as they talked they discovered that each of them had served in the Vietnam War. The 1st guy said that he had been a POW for 8 years and the 2nd guy asked how he had survived that long as a prisoner.
1st guy: I learned a few tricks to sustain myself.
2nd guy: Yeah, like what?
1st guy: I learned to eat my own s*&^.
2nd guy: *screamed* You cant eat your own s*&^!!
1st guy: Wanna bet?
2nd guy: Yeah, Ill take that bet
So the 1st guy grabs a plate from the bar, lowers is pants, craps on the plate and proceeds to eat it.
2nd guy: Aaahhhh man.....how can you do that? That is disgusting. You've done that before? ---Hay, hay, Ive got an idea. I think we could make some money off of this.
1st guy: Oh yeah, how?
So the 2nd guy takes him to his bookie and tells the bookie his story and asked him if he wanted to bet them that he wouldnt eat his own s*&^. So the bookie and his buddies all lay down their cash and the 1st guy asks for a plate, he sets it on the floor lowers his pants and craps on the plate.
2nd guy: Ok, go ahead, eat it.
1st guy: *Looks at the plate then back at his buddy then at the plate again. Leans forward and pukes all over the floor.*
2nd guy: What the hell! Why didnt you eat the s*&^?
1st guy: Did you see that?!!!
2nd guy" See what?
1st guy: There was a hair on there!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on August 14, 2009, 09:01:17 PM
And another:

Little boy and his Dad are out for a walk one afternoon when they come across 2 dogs humping. The little boy asks his Dad what the dogs are doing and the Dad thinks fast and says that they are making puppies. So that sinks in and the boys is good with that.  Couple of days later the boy hears noise coming from his parents bedroom so he sneaks to the door and peaks in a see his parents having sex. So he asks his Dad what they were doing and the Dad thinks quick and says that they are making him a little sister and the boy quickly responds
"Well could you turn her over because I would rather have a puppy"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: JackFrost on August 14, 2009, 09:12:07 PM
"Y'know, this reminds me of a joke..."

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: redlandslide on August 26, 2009, 08:21:41 PM
I wish I knew some jokes to add. Well, I did hear one joke a few days ago.

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Methiah on September 02, 2009, 01:02:18 PM
Have you heard the joke about the Homoeopath who forgot to take his medicine one evening and consequently died of an overdose?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on September 21, 2009, 09:58:26 AM
Doug sat at the bar drowning his sorrows ? he?d had a bad day. First, his wife left him for a phys-ed teacher and he found his car had been keyed in the middle of the night. When he arrived at work, he was told his job had been made redundant and he was no longer needed. To top it all off, his doctor?s office called with his test results; Doug had herpes. Probably from the phys-ed teacher.

And so Doug was pounding shots of tequila between sobs. A man sitting at the other end of the bar watched him intently for a few minutes before weaving his way carefully to Doug?s stool.

?Buddy, you look like you?re having a hell of a day,? he slurred.

?You don?t know the half of it,? Doug replied, sniffling.

?Let me cheer you up,? the man said. ?I want to show you something.?

The drunk man led Doug over to a window and pointed to the alley four floors below. He explained that the way the buildings were built allowed a thermal to rush up the alley whenever a subway train went by underground. This thermal, the man insisted, was so powerful that it would hold a man in the air and gently lower him to the ground as it dissipated.

?So basically, you?d feel like you were flying,? the man finished.

Doug expressed his disbelief and the man said he?d prove it. He waited until a train rumbled by and leaped out the window. Unbelievably, the man hovered serenely just outside the window before floating slowly toward the ground. As he regained his footing, he looked up at Doug and yelled, ?Now you try it!?

Doug waited a few minutes until he could hear a train. He climbed up onto the window sill, took a deep breath, jumped? and plummeted to his death on the concrete below, screaming all the way.

A waitress happened to be walking by and poked her head out the window only to see the drunk man standing over Doug?s spattered remains, giggling to himself. She grimaced and called down to him, ?You are SUCH a prick when you?re drinking, Superman.?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on September 21, 2009, 02:40:48 PM
^ awesome.......saw it coming but I couldnt turn away. fun.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on September 25, 2009, 09:18:20 PM
I got this new deodorant and the instructions said?.remove cap and push up bottom.
 
I can barely walk but when I pass gas it smells amazing!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Santafer on September 26, 2009, 01:12:41 AM
Quote from: CMF on April 23, 2009, 07:58:17 PM
I heard this one on How I Met Your Mother and is very funny (more guy-ish funny), but it is disgusting as well, so beware!

Guy to a girl: What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Girl: What?
Guy:
Spoiler (hover to show)

(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/robinamused.jpg)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on September 26, 2009, 05:15:27 AM
Quote from: Santafer on September 26, 2009, 01:12:41 AM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/robinamused.jpg)

That is the feline version of the mark of the devil.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on September 26, 2009, 08:44:41 AM
Quote from: Santafer on September 26, 2009, 01:12:41 AM
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/robinamused.jpg)

How about now..?

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on September 26, 2009, 10:52:38 AM
A man sees a young girl standing on the edge of a cliff.
"Enjoying the view?" says the man.
"No, I'm going to jump to my death" was the reply.
"Well, how about giving me a blow job before you go?" said the man.
"Eh, why the hell not..." she said.
So she gives him a massive, intents and FAN-bless'ed-TASTIC blow job.
The guy comes, and the girl swallows.
As the man zipped up his pants, he asks:
"Why do you wanna kill yourself anyways..?"
The girl looks at him and says:
"My parents disowned me for dressing as a girl..."
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Santafer on September 26, 2009, 03:36:38 PM
Quote from: MisterAJ on September 26, 2009, 08:44:41 AM

Spoiler (hover to show)

(http://th08.deviantart.net/fs24/300W/f/2009/240/b/d/APH___Sealand_is_very_Amused_by_TOXiC_ToOtHpAsTe.png)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on September 27, 2009, 01:33:39 AM
YAY, SUCCESS!!! :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: vilya on September 28, 2009, 05:33:46 AM
This is kind of funny...

(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc156/vilya55/untitled4.jpg)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on September 28, 2009, 05:39:04 AM
Maybe the Demonoid bunch forgot to feed the hamsters?  I know I do on occasion..
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: vilya on September 28, 2009, 05:49:45 AM
Naah, onijin broke it again.  :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on September 29, 2009, 12:38:32 PM
(http://i218.photobucket.com/albums/cc156/vilya55/untitled4.jpg)
That is beyond cute. Its freakin adorable!!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on September 29, 2009, 04:56:13 PM
Quote from: smokester on September 28, 2009, 05:39:04 AM
Maybe the Demonoid bunch forgot to feed the hamsters?  I know I do on occasion..
When I forgot to feed the hamster once, it became very slow and made me feel guilty
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: frankcapri on October 09, 2009, 09:45:33 AM
A friend told me this joke the other day


Why was Snoop Dogg carrying an umbrella?

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 09, 2009, 09:55:46 AM
Quote from: frankcapri on October 09, 2009, 09:45:33 AM
A friend told me this joke the other day


Why was Snoop Dogg carrying an umbrella?

Spoiler (hover to show)

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: frankcapri on October 09, 2009, 10:11:40 AM
That guy looks like me  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 09, 2009, 10:26:00 AM
Quote from: frankcapri on October 09, 2009, 10:11:40 AM
That guy looks like me  :D :D :D

But with better taste in T-shirts?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on October 09, 2009, 11:37:39 AM
Hmm, a frank sighting?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on October 11, 2009, 09:52:48 AM
Quote from: smokester on October 09, 2009, 10:26:00 AM
But with better taste in T-shirts?
That T-shirt is genius! :o
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: frankcapri on October 11, 2009, 12:13:03 PM
Yeah, I agree.  A hat that said, "Socks" would make for a great party outfit  ;D


Here is a really offensive joke I made up yesterday.  Do not click unless you are OK with inappropriate things of a religious nature.

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 11, 2009, 12:55:30 PM
Quote from: frankcapri on October 11, 2009, 12:13:03 PM
Yeah, I agree.  A hat that said, "Socks" would make for a great party outfit  ;D

Out of interest: do Americans use the term "pants" meaning rubbish or no good?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on October 11, 2009, 01:51:57 PM
Nope, "pants" as a verb means to breath heavily, as "a dog pants after the long run" and "pants as a noun means slacks or trousers.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 11, 2009, 02:06:31 PM
Quote from: dweez on October 11, 2009, 01:51:57 PM
Nope, "pants" as a verb means to breath heavily, as "a dog pants after the long run" and "pants as a noun means slacks or trousers.

As "pants" essentially means underwear here, it's used commonly in the way the southparkesque term "gay" is over on that side of the pond.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on October 11, 2009, 07:14:47 PM
I got to get used to the terminology over there.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on October 11, 2009, 08:52:23 PM
You'll notice everything stops at around 4pm.  That's because it's tea-time, the most important meal of the day.  Once someone tried to have tea whilst working, but then he died.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: frankcapri on October 12, 2009, 10:19:32 AM
 :D

Quote from: smokester on October 11, 2009, 02:06:31 PM
As "pants" essentially means underwear here, it's used commonly in the way the southparkesque term "gay" is over on that side of the pond.

So is this correct? 

That new Pearl Jam album is totally pants.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on October 12, 2009, 12:06:02 PM
Yes

 :o
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 12, 2009, 01:34:41 PM
Quote from: frankcapri on October 12, 2009, 10:19:32 AM
:D

So is this correct? 

That new Pearl Jam album is totally pants.

Perfect in both ways.

Even googling "is pants" (http://www.google.co.uk/#hl=en&q=is+pants&meta=cr%3DcountryUK|countryGB&fp=2b5b11435ced62e0) with google uk will demonstrate how common its usage is (that is if Google allows non-UK based connections to see that link how I do?).
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: frankcapri on October 12, 2009, 01:49:52 PM
To my eyes and ears that's a funny expression  :D

I have some pants that are pants  ;D

Is the word "gay" used in England like it's used in the US? 
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 12, 2009, 02:11:03 PM
Quote from: frankcapri on October 12, 2009, 01:49:52 PM
To my eyes and ears that's a funny expression  :D

I have some pants that are pants  ;D

Is the word "gay" used in England like it's used in the US? 

I personally don't know of anyone that uses it although there are probably some young South Park fans that make it work.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: frankcapri on October 12, 2009, 02:24:40 PM
Would you say it's odd for some British when they hear Americans saying "That's gay" then?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 12, 2009, 02:32:53 PM
Quote from: frankcapri on October 12, 2009, 02:24:40 PM
Would you say it's odd for some British when they hear Americans saying "That's gay" then?

I wouldn't think anyone would find what Americans say as "odd", but the term "gay" is at best 'impolite', especially when you have "pants" to fall back on.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 12, 2009, 02:49:09 PM
On topic, here's something I found funny:

Quote
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much poo (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of poo it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough poo, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the poo you can get.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on October 12, 2009, 02:55:38 PM
BTW, if you didn't already guess it...this is smokester's management style here on the fora.
/me walks away all bow-legged and sore
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 12, 2009, 03:04:38 PM
Quote from: dweez on October 12, 2009, 02:55:38 PM
/me walks away all bow-legged and sore

You can walk!? I think I might have short changed you?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on October 12, 2009, 03:14:22 PM
I lol'd
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on October 12, 2009, 03:59:16 PM
 ;D ;D ;D

Quote from: smokester on October 12, 2009, 01:34:41 PM
Perfect in both ways.

Even googling "is pants" (http://www.google.co.uk/#hl=en&q=is+pants&meta=cr%3DcountryUK|countryGB&fp=2b5b11435ced62e0) with google uk will demonstrate how common its usage is (that is if Google allows non-UK based connections to see that link how I do?).

This:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/hereford/worcs/7585098.stm
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 13, 2009, 03:09:24 AM
Quote from: MisterAJ on October 12, 2009, 03:59:16 PM
;D ;D ;D

This:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/hereford/worcs/7585098.stm

Lloyds have got a bloody nerve!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: subvinorosa on October 13, 2009, 08:20:10 AM
I'd feel totally secure having that employee as my phone banking rep. ::)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Geemonster on October 13, 2009, 12:52:54 PM
I found that bloody hilarious Smokes,that top post.
hahahahahahahahaha :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: subvinorosa on October 13, 2009, 10:04:48 PM
It was, wasn't it?

Every employee should have that on his desk.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on October 14, 2009, 10:25:24 AM
SNL did a skit on Saturday of an 90's womens pool tournament sponsored by Tampax. I thought the catch phrases were hilarious.

Tampax to the Max -Tournament of Champions -1991

--Tampit to the max with tampax

--Tampax, when you need just the facts nothing stops it like tampax

--Nix nax paddy wax stop your flow with tampax

--Tampax helping you relax when mother nature attacks your slacks
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Geemonster on October 14, 2009, 10:31:44 AM
^ :D :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on October 14, 2009, 10:39:52 AM
Haha, nice.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: laama on October 19, 2009, 06:32:01 PM
Real poem Cheapy. :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: MisterAJ on October 19, 2009, 07:51:02 PM
*Leaves for the second time today*
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Methiah on February 10, 2010, 09:54:11 AM
When a lunatic escaped from the asylum and raped several washer women then ran away a newspaper ran the headline below the following day...

"Nut screws washers and bolts"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 10, 2010, 10:12:20 AM
Quote from: Methiah on February 10, 2010, 09:54:11 AM

"Nut screws washers and bolts"

Did the police later nail him?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: redlandslide on February 10, 2010, 10:23:31 AM
Quote from: smokester on February 10, 2010, 10:12:20 AM
Did the police later nail him?

That joke was tacky.  :P
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 10, 2010, 11:14:43 AM
You're a tool.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on February 10, 2010, 11:33:44 AM
Erm... hit the nail on the head? :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: CMF on February 10, 2010, 05:12:04 PM
Heisenberg is driving over the speed limit. Policeman stops him and asks him:
- Do you know how fast you were going?
- No, he said. But I know where I am.

 :D :D :D
Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 13, 2010, 03:37:52 PM
Quote from: CMF on February 10, 2010, 05:12:04 PM
Heisenberg is driving over the speed limit. Policeman stops him and asks him:
- Do you know how fast you were going?
- No, he said. But I know where I am.

Hehe, I love the intellectual humor

Quote from: CMF on February 10, 2010, 05:12:04 PM
:D :D :D
Spoiler (hover to show)

It's funny cuz it's true!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: CMF on February 13, 2010, 04:46:21 PM
Quote from: dweez on February 13, 2010, 03:37:52 PM
Hehe, I love the intellectual humor

Two chemists walk into a bar. They decide to have a drinking contest. So one of them tells the barman:
-I'd like to have H2O, please.
-I want some H2O too, says the other one.

Needless to say, the first one won.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: AlienBC on February 13, 2010, 05:03:27 PM
lol that is a classic  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Methiah on February 21, 2010, 02:15:24 PM
Two atoms are walking down the street one day, and one of them says to the other:
"Hey, wait up a second.  I think I lost an electron"
The first atom replied, "Are you sure?"
The second atom exclaimed, "Yes, I'm positive!"

(http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/8530/55ms9.gif)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 21, 2010, 02:52:08 PM

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."

The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."

The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 21, 2010, 07:29:24 PM
The philospher Rishnu once said that a flute with no holes is not a flute.
And a donut with no holes is a danish.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 22, 2010, 02:39:29 AM
Quote from: christ on February 21, 2010, 03:55:18 PM
A physicist and an engineer are in a hot-air balloon. They've been drifting for hours, and have no idea where they are. They see another person in a balloon, and call out to him: "Hey, where are we?" He replies, "You're in a balloon," and drifts off again. The engineer says to the physicist, "That person was obviously a mathematician." They physicist replies, "How do you know that?" "Because what he said was completely true, but utterly useless."

(I'm a mathematician by education and inclination, by the way)

Well that explains 53.4% of it.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: redlandslide on February 22, 2010, 09:48:07 AM
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"


One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

The car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 22, 2010, 02:11:27 PM
Quote from: redlandslide on February 22, 2010, 09:48:07 AM
.....The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
Told this in my Microsoft class today and it got a chuckle.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 22, 2010, 03:03:54 PM
A Pagan, a Christian and a Jew were all at a religious conferance when the three were walking down a hallway and saw a dustbin was on fire.
The Christian exclaims" Satan is tormenting us!" and runs away.
The Jew shouts " Its a sign from God!"

The Pagan gets out the fire extinguisher,, puts out the fire and says" Damned smokers!"
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on February 22, 2010, 03:19:51 PM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
 
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
 
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
 
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
 
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love, Your Son John
 
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
 
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on February 22, 2010, 03:57:44 PM
Quote from: christ on February 22, 2010, 03:44:48 PM
Wouldn't work with a Mac.

You're right.  None of them would be able to move on account of being frozen.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: dweez on February 22, 2010, 08:05:45 PM
But with the four of them, they might be able to hit the proper key combination to reboot the car.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 23, 2010, 06:16:29 PM
I ifnd a nice swift kick works wonders.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on February 24, 2010, 04:53:43 AM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 22, 2010, 03:19:51 PM
there are worse things in life than a Report card
I had a report card once, everybody in the school was surprised someone like me could get a report card.  I felt so cool 8)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 24, 2010, 10:42:05 AM
I got report cards all the time.
I allways wondered why when someone had good marks they were allways in small barely legible script. But if you had bad marks,, they were in big nasty red easy to read letters.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on February 24, 2010, 11:20:02 AM
They probably wouldn't do that nowadays, they might think it's abuse :o (http://www.diasfora.co.uk/index.php?topic=3212.msg145529#msg145529)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 25, 2010, 09:02:35 PM
That wont be concidered abuse,,but correcting your kids is though.
 But like I allways say,, if you cant jack with your kids,, whos kids can you jack with? lol
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: CMF on February 25, 2010, 09:25:34 PM
What is it that takes a pirate 30 minutes to reach, but lasts only 4 seconds?

Spoiler (hover to show)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: chekovsulu on February 26, 2010, 05:04:42 AM
30 minutes, eh?  Thems be some impressive pirates, yarr! ;)
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on February 26, 2010, 12:35:46 PM
Only 30 minutes?
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on March 05, 2010, 04:29:19 AM

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on March 09, 2010, 02:47:50 AM
Apparently from the book: Disorder in the American Courts.

REAL COURT EXCHANGES

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:  If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Geemonster on March 09, 2010, 10:02:34 AM
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 22, 2010, 03:19:51 PM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
 
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
 
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
 
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
 
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love, Your Son John
 
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
 
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Laughed my arse off when i read that. :D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: ohcheap1 on March 09, 2010, 11:28:09 AM
I will be posting the
ATTORNEY:
WITNESS:
jokes all over the web. FAB!!!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: Robin-Graves on March 09, 2010, 02:57:50 PM
I got a good joke for you....

The American Legal System
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on March 09, 2010, 03:12:14 PM
Quote from: christ on March 09, 2010, 11:59:16 AM
It's only a comedy technique when it is inaccurate.

I'd say 'well spotted' but I know you'd reply that is was in fact: obvious.
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on April 05, 2010, 03:45:34 AM
I had my first Cage fight yesterday - budgie didn't know what hit him!
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: jackalope21 on April 09, 2010, 01:44:47 PM

2 tourists were driving through wales at Llanhyfrydawelehynafolybarcudpridanfygy they stop for lunch and asked the waitress "before we order could you please settle an argument for us, and pronounce where we are VERY SLOWLY?" waitress leaned over and said "Burrr-gurrr-king".

Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: CMF on May 12, 2010, 03:10:11 PM
What do you call a snake that joins the Canadian Police Force?

Spoiler (hover to show)

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: smokester on October 26, 2011, 04:22:38 AM
A weeny bit non-pc :)

Can anyone help with this software problem my friend is experiencing?

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem himself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Tough one? Any suggestions???
Title: Re: Good Jokes.
Post by: townie2 on July 27, 2012, 08:30:07 AM
a Texan was visiting Canada, and after having a few drinks in a local bar, started bragging about the size of his ranch. "i can jump in my truck at sunrise and still not reach the end of my land by sunset", to which some bloke piped up "yeah, i had a truck like that once too"  :)