Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
A: Castrated.
I wouldn't know. I've never seen testicles out of the sac.
Seen a human brain though, not a pretty sight.
@Smokes: That's an odd one... :)
I actually thought it was a bit "run of the mill" :-\
I meant mostly in the way it was told...
(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/4144/lmfaoxw2.gif)(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/4144/lmfaoxw2.gif)(http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/4144/lmfaoxw2.gif)
If Women Ruled the World
(http://i336.photobucket.com/albums/n355/MisterAJ79/FuNnY/If_Women_Ruled_the_World_02.jpg?t=1232297111)
What were the hedges doing in your bathing suit?
Cheapy! Yard work in a bathing suit? That is never a good combo.
Youre alittle late with that valuable information Max.......... >:( If only I'd known you then.It's never too late for valuable information. :D ;) Remember this - there is nothing wrong with multitasking, especially in the bathroom, but hair dryers and bubble baths are not a good idea. :D
(http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_17_11.gif)Cheeky cheapy. :D
...in the bathroom, hair dryers, bubble baths and THAT girl is a good idea. :D
How do you know when a blond farts?
Her ankles swell
Say what?
I plead the fifth?
Thanks, I appreciate it. :)
*rubs hands together* So what do you think we'll win?
Hmmm, I must be a walrus then.
Time for a memory test:
Q: What do you call a closet full of lesbians..?
I think he was going for "A Licker cabinet"
I think he was going for "A Licker cabinet"
You've already told that one
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
Please tell me that you v 2 ^ did not just publish those.........those............jokes.
Do you go where your nuts take you?
Do you get pulled by your nuts often?
:-\ Too bad!
LOL
I keep smelling my wrist, my new perfume smells yummy
Here JH let me help you get back on track here...........
One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
For AJ:
What?s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign... a stoner waits for it to turn green.
A baby seal walks into a club
Teacher: What is 2k + k?
Student: 3000!
Eh? No. My maths only went up to A-level, and I can only remember what I learnt at GCSE. Unless it's fizicks, which is what Wikipedia suggests - for me that went up to GCSE and then they had too many people doing it for A-level and stuck me in Biology.
Thank you,,thank you very much,,Elvis has left the building!
We gotta male a video with this!
I heard this one on How I Met Your Mother and is very funny (more guy-ish funny), but it is disgusting as well, so beware!
Guy to a girl: What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
Girl: What?
Guy:
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/robinamused.jpg)
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/robinamused.jpg)
Maybe the Demonoid bunch forgot to feed the hamsters? I know I do on occasion..When I forgot to feed the hamster once, it became very slow and made me feel guilty
A friend told me this joke the other day
Why was Snoop Dogg carrying an umbrella?
That guy looks like me :D :D :D
But with better taste in T-shirts?That T-shirt is genius! :o
Yeah, I agree. A hat that said, "Socks" would make for a great party outfit ;D
Nope, "pants" as a verb means to breath heavily, as "a dog pants after the long run" and "pants as a noun means slacks or trousers.
As "pants" essentially means underwear here, it's used commonly in the way the southparkesque term "gay" is over on that side of the pond.
:D
So is this correct?
That new Pearl Jam album is totally pants.
To my eyes and ears that's a funny expression :D
I have some pants that are pants ;D
Is the word "gay" used in England like it's used in the US?
Would you say it's odd for some British when they hear Americans saying "That's gay" then?
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much poo (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of poo it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough poo, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the poo you can get.
/me walks away all bow-legged and sore
Perfect in both ways.
Even googling "is pants" (http://www.google.co.uk/#hl=en&q=is+pants&meta=cr%3DcountryUK|countryGB&fp=2b5b11435ced62e0) with google uk will demonstrate how common its usage is (that is if Google allows non-UK based connections to see that link how I do?).
;D ;D ;D
This:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/hereford/worcs/7585098.stm
"Nut screws washers and bolts"
Did the police later nail him?
Heisenberg is driving over the speed limit. Policeman stops him and asks him:
- Do you know how fast you were going?
- No, he said. But I know where I am.
:D :D :D
Hehe, I love the intellectual humor
A physicist and an engineer are in a hot-air balloon. They've been drifting for hours, and have no idea where they are. They see another person in a balloon, and call out to him: "Hey, where are we?" He replies, "You're in a balloon," and drifts off again. The engineer says to the physicist, "That person was obviously a mathematician." They physicist replies, "How do you know that?" "Because what he said was completely true, but utterly useless."
(I'm a mathematician by education and inclination, by the way)
.....The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."Told this in my Microsoft class today and it got a chuckle.
Wouldn't work with a Mac.
there are worse things in life than a Report cardI had a report card once, everybody in the school was surprised someone like me could get a report card. I felt so cool 8)
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
It's only a comedy technique when it is inaccurate.