Topic: Things that made you laugh today

[goldshirt*9]

[6pairsofshoes]

Good one, goldie!

A duck walks into a supermarket and asks the manager if they have any duck food.  The manager recoils and says, "No we don't have any duck food.  And we don't allow ducks in here, so get out!"

The next day, the duck goes back into the supermarket, sees the same manager, and asks, "do you have any duck food?"  At this point, the manager is pissed and says, "No!  We don't and if you come in here again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!  So get out and stay out!"

Undeterred, on the third day, the duck goes into the supermarket, sees the manager and asks, "Do you have any nails?"  The manager, puzzled, responds, "No.  Why?"  The duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

[6pairsofshoes]

Quack!

Q:  What's the difference between the Hindenburg & Alex Jones (of InfoWars fame)?

A:  One is a flaming Nazi gasbag & the other is a balloon.

[6pairsofshoes]

An accountant was passing a beggar in the street, and the man said "I have not eaten for three days" The accountant replied "How does that compare with the same period last year"?

[goldshirt*9]

 

[smokester]

A man goes into a bar with his small pet newt called Tiny. “A pint for me and a half for Tiny, please,” he says to the landlord.

The landlord asks, “Why do you name him Tiny?”

The man replies, “Because he’s my newt.”

[6pairsofshoes]

 

"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

[6pairsofshoes]

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

[smokester]

A mourner at a funeral was asked to take the stage and say a word in respect of the departed. He clinked his glass, took a deep breath and said "plethora". He walked off stage and moments later the wife of the deceased approached him with a tear in her eye and said, “Thank you. That means a lot”.

[8ullfrog]

I like how that one can go both ways. Either the mourner had nothing nice to say, or the friendship was so blindingly eccentric one word was all that was needed.

[6pairsofshoes]

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said, "Wow, it's pretty hot in here." The other one shouted, "Wow, a talking muffin!"

[goldshirt*9]

 

[smokester]

There’s no “I” in Denial.

[6pairsofshoes]

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

[dweez]

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

Dark humor. I approve.