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Author Topic: Good Jokes.  (Read 122735 times)

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Offline ohcheap1

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #195 on: February 22, 2010, 03:19:51 PM »
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
 
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
 
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
 
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
 
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love, Your Son John
 
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
 
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Offline smokester

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #196 on: February 22, 2010, 03:57:44 PM »
Quote from: christ on February 22, 2010, 03:44:48 PM
Wouldn't work with a Mac.

You're right.  None of them would be able to move on account of being frozen.
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Offline dweez

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #197 on: February 22, 2010, 08:05:45 PM »
But with the four of them, they might be able to hit the proper key combination to reboot the car.
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Offline Robin-Graves

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #198 on: February 23, 2010, 06:16:29 PM »
I ifnd a nice swift kick works wonders.
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Offline chekovsulu

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #199 on: February 24, 2010, 04:53:43 AM »
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 22, 2010, 03:19:51 PM
there are worse things in life than a Report card
I had a report card once, everybody in the school was surprised someone like me could get a report card.  I felt so cool 8)
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Offline Robin-Graves

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #200 on: February 24, 2010, 10:42:05 AM »
I got report cards all the time.
I allways wondered why when someone had good marks they were allways in small barely legible script. But if you had bad marks,, they were in big nasty red easy to read letters.
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Offline chekovsulu

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #201 on: February 24, 2010, 11:20:02 AM »
They probably wouldn't do that nowadays, they might think it's abuse :o
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Offline Robin-Graves

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #202 on: February 25, 2010, 09:02:35 PM »
That wont be concidered abuse,,but correcting your kids is though.
 But like I allways say,, if you cant jack with your kids,, whos kids can you jack with? lol
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Offline CMF

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #203 on: February 25, 2010, 09:25:34 PM »
What is it that takes a pirate 30 minutes to reach, but lasts only 4 seconds?

Spoiler (hover to show)
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Offline chekovsulu

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #204 on: February 26, 2010, 05:04:42 AM »
30 minutes, eh?  Thems be some impressive pirates, yarr! ;)
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Offline Robin-Graves

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #205 on: February 26, 2010, 12:35:46 PM »
Only 30 minutes?
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Offline smokester

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #206 on: March 05, 2010, 04:29:19 AM »

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

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Offline smokester

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #207 on: March 09, 2010, 02:47:50 AM »
Apparently from the book: Disorder in the American Courts.

REAL COURT EXCHANGES

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:  If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Don't put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until the day after.

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Offline Geemonster

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #208 on: March 09, 2010, 10:02:34 AM »
Quote from: ohcheap1 on February 22, 2010, 03:19:51 PM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
 
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
 
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
 
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
 
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love, Your Son John
 
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.
 
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Laughed my arse off when i read that. :D
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Offline ohcheap1

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Re: Good Jokes.
« Reply #209 on: March 09, 2010, 11:28:09 AM »
I will be posting the
ATTORNEY:
WITNESS:
jokes all over the web. FAB!!!
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