Author Topic: I republished my shitty fanfic.  (Read 2593 times)

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Offline 8ullfrog

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I republished my shitty fanfic.
« on: May 20, 2019, 03:34:07 AM »
I deleted it previously because people were psychoanalyzing me instead of reviewing the fanfic, but was recently encouraged to republish.

so here:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13290752/1/Mujahedeen


Essentially, it's a post Return Of The Jedi fic where the Ewoks become terrorists, but like, nightmare terrorists that eat faces. I admit my lack of skill in actually writing in the fic.

Huh, it's broken, you have to manually enter the second chapter.

Got my first review, apparently the reader wanted more damn'


On the plus side, their review was not published. What. The. golly.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2019, 04:01:08 AM by 8ullfrog »

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2019, 04:38:28 AM »
Update: The review got posted, so I wrote a chapter about an ewok bless'ed a speeder bike.


GRRM DOES NOT HAVE THAT FEATHER IN HIS CAP, NO SIR.


oh god bless'ed damnit, chapter 4 doesn't show up.



:|    like, publish it or give me an error message, assholes.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2019, 05:52:34 AM by 8ullfrog »

Offline Schmoogsley

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2019, 08:29:24 AM »
The passion/imagination is still alive in you Bully. It has drained from me years ago. You should write a chapter where a little girl picks an apple from an old apple tree and I get pissed and throw apples at her.? Ah hell, nevermind.  >:(

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2019, 01:22:37 PM »
Well, first we'd have to work it into the forest moon of Endor. I suppose we could have you as a discharged soldier, they're dying all over the place in the fic because of their casual and institutional racism.

For example, Ewoks can't speak basic. They've got a perfectly fine language of their own, but Government law says you must speak basic. This is a remnant of Imperial law that the legislature either isn't able to change, or isn't willing to.

Just another issue that led the Ewoks to terrorism. Oh, and they ate the Real Wives of Couruscant. I had to change the name because everyone lives in Skyscrapers on coruscant.


They're still horrible people though, no change there. One of them grabbed a baby Ewok and was using it as a purse dog, thus kickstarting the Revolución!

SO, I am totally willing to write in you throwing fruit at fleeing tourists on Endor. This is contingent on TWO THINGS.

1) You need a wars-y name. You're half way there, Schmoogsley is a perfectly cromulent first or last name
2) You need a star wars fruit. Extra points if you can come up with something like Durian, or if it's flammable. COMBUSTIBLE LEMONS!
3) Here's your backstory - You were one of the alliance (rebel) soldiers who helped "Liberate" the poo out of the forest moon. You were discharged from the military without pension because of arm and foot injuries, and because they were terrorists at the time. Terrorists don't get pensions.

Disilussioned, and demoralized (You can decide if your character is a drunkie or not, I didn't want to insult you) You began teaching the Ewoks small unit tactics. This was a VERY BAD IDEA.

They love you, you're like their Castro. But you don't want a bounty hunter up the ass, so you lead from the shadows.

4) Holy poo your backstory is longer than most of the chapters so far. Please get back to me on name (Sgt. Schmoogsley works for me) Alcoholic status of said soldier, and what kind of fruit he wants to throw at tourists.

I have a really dark idea where he manages to nail one of the housewives in the mouth with the space apple, which remains when the ewoks put her on a spit. This might be too dark, even though the Ewoks are already established cannibals.

Offline Schmoogsley

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #4 on: May 21, 2019, 01:31:25 PM »
lol, you should collaborate with Tarantino. He has connections.

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #5 on: May 21, 2019, 01:37:16 PM »
how about this:

https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Jogan_fruit

Annoyingly enough, there are lots of space fruit in star wars, but they don't damn' name em. That electric onion apple could easily have been flown in from Coruscant.

Offline 6pairsofshoes

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2019, 06:35:36 PM »
It sounds like a fun script for a web series.  I'd watch it.  The only way the Ewoks aren't sick making is that they get pissed and take revenge.

Full disclosure:  the Snuggle bear on the fabric softener commercials makes me want to take up violence.  I'd strangle that little poo before I let him anywhere near my clean laundry.

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2019, 10:03:32 PM »
Got my second review!

Entirety of review:

"It's alright"

6, you are not alone. Many people have had Ewok related nightmares, and it is CANON that they eat people. They were nice to Leia, but where did they get the human sized dress? WHERE DID THEY GET THE DRESS BART?


So, we've got some material for Chapter 5 here. We've got Sgt. Schmoogs (Sorry, the LY is just too long) We've got the type of fruit he's throwing (Electric Onion).

The one thing we are waiting on, is for Schmoogsly to tell me if Sgt. Schmoogs is an alcoholic or not.

Offline Schmoogsley

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2019, 10:16:57 PM »
lol, how bout 'recovering alcoholic'?

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2019, 10:29:59 PM »
eh, wouldn't work. He's training teddy bears to murder the golly out of people. And these are teddy bears that previously used spears to kill soldiers, cooked them, ate their corpses, then turned their armor into drum sets.

Essentially, he's taught them not to stand around yelling and getting shot. Guerilla warfare tactics. Hit and fade.

I mean I can recast the dude, but he can't be firing on all cylinders here.

I promise I won't make him a Nazi or any weird poo. At worst, he carries furs into the resorts so they can be turned into leisure wear for the shuttle set richies.

Way I see it, they paid him with a crate of Jogan fruit. Now, to the rich people, this is actually a pretty upmarket thing. To the SGT.?

They're damn' glowing purple onions. This is the trigger event to the ewoks taking the resort, and eating the reality show people. He literally just drops the high sign at this.


I mean it's no random dude throwing apples at children, but I've kept the spirit alive.


Oh, and if you feel better, it's damn Vince Vaughn giving you the crate of glowing onions. He sees the arm go up and he's like "C'mon dude, really, what are you doing here, making a political statement? Then the SGT. drops the arm and arrows hit everyone but him and Vince. Then the ululation begins.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2019, 10:33:42 PM by 8ullfrog »

Offline Schmoogsley

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2019, 10:33:43 PM »
Sounds like he has large onions.

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2019, 10:34:23 PM »
so Drunky SGT? or do I rename him. I'm thinking Ducks for the rename. because it's a pun.

Oh, and you get to Sparta kick Vince Vaughn off the platform. Because the forest moon has treehouses, and tourists expect that.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2019, 10:37:25 PM by 8ullfrog »

Offline Schmoogsley

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2019, 10:50:18 PM »
Yeah, what does he like to drink?

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2019, 11:02:13 PM »
Oh, I figure the Sarge isn't too picky. speeder radiator fluid, whatever the hell the Ewoks ferment. I'm just saying it's to the point an Officer quality dude remained noncom, but also didn't fail out of the service.

Like sometimes he has to close an eye and stare a bit to measure something out.

I am not saying he is a drunk driver.

I can not promise this level of detail in the fic. We're talkin' like Gilligan impairment, Vince Vaughn dies, and Schmoogs moseys off into the sunset.

These are like, 200 word chapters after all.


Essentially, if Sarge had been sober, Luke Skywalker would never have made it to a cockpit. In fact, Sarge would have loudly protested. Hence, Radiator fluid.


This also has a slight reality mix. Submariners stole the 180 grain alcohol out of torpedo's. Called it torpedo juice.


Okay, so here's Chapter 5, consider it a preview or whatever.


Sgt. Schmoogs was a practical man. A practical man surrounded by death. By Fire, by blaster, by mangling, he'd seen just about every type of death one could see. And then some, depending on theater.

So the battle of the forest moon of Endor was a bless'ed charnel house. No, he hadn't had to fire his fifth or sixth hand blaster rifle, and he was thankful for that. He'd personally tested each rifle for his squad, and to say he was alarmed was an understatement. He'd thought his men would have been better off with sticks and rocks, but the mission was under the blasted princess and her consort, "General" Solo.

To say Schmoogs was not a fan of the General was an understatement. When officers wing plans, men die. And a shrug was as far a battle plan as Solo ever mustered.


So he sat on his knees, hands behind his head, and waited for the piercing whine that would usher him to darkness.

But it didn't come. Those same rocks and sticks he would have preferred his men to have rained down on the bleached bastards, and he was in the thick of it. Blood and death, fire and soot. He fought with everything in him, and more.


And he found himself folded into a force. Not of the men he had trained, who openly joked about killing him and taking his place, no he found himself among a gibbering clan of three foot tall morons. But they listened better than the human troops he had ushered. Through simple hand gestures, he commanded one of the finest group of soldiers he'd ever served with.

Those brave little gits braved everything, being mashed to poo by the chicken walkers, weeping over their fallen brethren before pulling them away for funeral rites, Those bastards had a spirit both electrifying and terrifying. They Did. Not. Quit!

And neither did schmoogs. Later, at the victory celebration, he was horrified. Stormie meat was a main entrée, so he drank whatever it was the furry little bastards fermented, and he kept drinking.


-7 years later- 

Needless to say, when Sgt. Shmoogs failed to muster after the celebrations, he was discharged. Not dishonorably, he'd been wounded bad enough for a medical, but the new government disclaimed a lot of alliance personnel, claimed they were volunteers, undeserving of a pension. Veterans of the clone wars were no source of sympathy.

So Schmoogs stayed. He lived a simple life, with his radiator juice, or whatever the furry naffs had managed to ferment that week. He stripped hides for supplies. He'd sell off pelts of particularly attractive beasts to the resorts. Every madam on Coruscant wanted a fur coat, and as long as it was shiny enough, who cared where it came from. Shmoogs knew none of those socialites cared if they were wearing wookie, so what was a six legged nightmare beast worth? Quite a lot, if he wasn't mistaken. They had pretty fur despite resembling something you'd rather die than look at.


Which found him at the landing site, two morons in speeder troop armor holding pristine E-11's, as he negotiated with the latest moron tailor at the resort.

"Now I'm not saying these are bad pal, what I'm saying is that we're under constraints. Constraints that keep us from moving in the usual fluid market, if you know what I mean, and I know you are. You are after all, a business man my friend. And so I'm going to make you a deal. These furs are spectacular. Amazing even. If I could get away with it, I'd give my mistress and my wife each one of these damn' things, and I'd be golden, but I can't. So I'm going to have to insist you take the case."


"Roight then, what's in the case." Shmoogs amicably replied.

"See, that's the problem, you can't ask me that, you've just gotta take it.". Replied the motormouth.


"Why, that sounds just fine to me, I'll just be popping the corner then, havin' meself a look".

"I-I, I guess that's okay. This is fresh off Coruscant, hot poo friend, the hottest. You'll have no trouble moving this down at durga's"

"And now what makes you think I have business at durga's" The reply was sharp, the eye contact piercing. Shmoogs didn't mix business, that lead to entanglements. Entanglements weren't a part of his current life.

"And what the KARK am I supposed to do with these purple Flargin, Electicity dischargin' ONIONS?" He bellowed. He hadn't drawn a weapon, he didn't need to. The guards had actually mellowed, stowing their rifles behind their backs. Apparently Fast Talk was a poo boss, and they didn't much care for them.


Sadly, this was the perfect storm. Shmoogs had dried a bit more than he liked, found himself in a deal he liked even less, and he recognized the powder-keg he stood upon.

Even worse, he flat didn't care. He raised a fist in the air.


"W-wha-what is this?" Fast talk stuttered, "I mean yeah, independent contractor power, represent, but-"


Shmoogs dropped the arm. The two guards lost their heads, literally, as two shadows dropped from their trees, bone blades dripping.

"Fuh- KARK!  Look, we can make a deal, I know we can make a deal".


"Deals up Fasto."  Shmoogs dropped a kick in the center of fast talk's chest, he went over the edge of the landing pad. Not the farrest drop, but it was one that would require medical attention.


Meanwhile, the resort began to burn.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2019, 12:01:48 AM by 8ullfrog »

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #14 on: May 22, 2019, 12:39:17 AM »
Oh, Diasfora exclusive, the reason the Ewoks followed him is because he had fantastically braided hair like leia in ROTJ.


In fact, they both had their hair done by Winter. Winter liked Shmoogs because he never whined when she tested hair style on him, unlike Leia, who thought those bless'ed Danish buns were hot as golly.


Now he's bald as poo because he's Jason Statham, and the Ewoks are afraid of his bald head.

Characterization is four leaf taylor from Tropic Thunder.

Just waiting on you schmoogs, thumbs up or thumbs down.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2019, 12:57:54 AM by 8ullfrog »

Offline Schmoogsley

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #15 on: May 22, 2019, 03:02:03 PM »
👍 I've never even heard of Fanfic. Rock on dude.

Offline 8ullfrog

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Re: I republished my shitty fanfic.
« Reply #16 on: May 23, 2019, 09:16:11 AM »
I was really sick yesterday, but it should be up in the next five minutes. I say should because their upload system is weird.